221. Taken from Mary Kenny’s column in the Catholic Herald. I have checked with her that there is no copyright.

Twenty Things My Mother Taught Me.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE¨” If you boys are going to kill each other, do it outside.

    I just finished cleaning up in here.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION: “You had better pray that will come out of the carpet”.

3. My mother taught me LOGIC: “Because I said so, that’s why.”

4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not coming out for a

     treat with me.”

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident”.

6. My mother taught me IRONY: “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

7. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck.”

8. My Mother taught me STAMINA: “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

9. My mother taught me about WEATHER: “This room looks as if a tornado went through it.”

10. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times: don’t exaggerate.”

11. My mother taught me BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION: “Stop acting like your father!”

12. My mother taught me ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful

      parents like you do.”

13. My mother taught me ANTICIPATION: “Just wait until I get you home.”

14. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

15. My mother taught me ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold.”

16. My mother taught me HUMOUR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

17. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: “If you don’t eat your vegetables you’ll never grow up.”

18. My mother taught me GENETICS: “You’re just like your father.”

19. My mother taught me ROOTS: “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

20. My mother taught me JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope that turn out just like you!”

222. GOD AND SATAN

Do you think YOU will pass it on???

One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting.

"Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you done with them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.

"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you! You don't want those people!"

"How much?" He asked again.

Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your tears, and all your blood."

Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.

Isn't it funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Isn't it funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. Or is it scary? Isn't it funny how someone can say "I believe in GOD" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in GOD).

Isn't it funny how the lewd, crude, violent, vulgar and obscene pass freely through the media, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Isn't it funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.

Are you laughing?

Isn't it funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not tell it to many people because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for telling them.

Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what GOD thinks of me?

Please pass this on?

Have a great day! and remember God loves you and so do I!!

223 WHISPERS

             The man whispered, ‘God, speak to me’ and a meadowlark sang

             But the man did not hear.

             So the man yelled, ‘God, speak to me’ and the thunder rolled across

             the sky.

             But the man did not listen.

             The man looked around and said ‘God let me see you’. And a star

             shone brightly.

             But the man did not see.

             And the man shouted, ‘God show me a miracle’. And a life was born.

             But the man did not notice.

             So the man cried out in despair, ‘Touch me God, and let me know

             you are here’. Whereupon God reached down and touched the man.

             But the man brushed the butterfly away…and walked on.

             The man cried, ‘God I need your help!’ And an e-mail arrived

             reaching out with good news and encouragement.

             But the man deleted it and continued crying.

             This is a reminder that God is always around us in the little

             and simple things that we take for granted….even in our

             electronic age.

                                   Don’t miss out on a blessing

                   because it isn’t packaged in the way that we expect.

224 THE WORDS OF SIMEON. "A SWORD WILL PIERCE YOUR SOUL".

In my experience the most misquoted words in the Bible are those of Simeon. He is misquoted as saying “A sword will pierce your heart.” What he said was “A sword will pierce your soul….” Luke 2:35. If a mortal heart were pierced then the pain would cease at death. But when an immortal soul is pierced then the pain continues after death. Is that why Our Lady of Medjugorje is sometimes seen to be crying? She sees our sins continuing to hurt her son, the sword pierces her soul, and she cries.

225 HOW TO GAIN SPIRITUAL BENEFIT FROM ANNOYANCES. 

A reader writes: On the tube in London I am annoyed by the behaviour of other people playing music loudly through earphones, eating burgers and swearing (not always at the same time.) Is this an opportunity for growth?

Fr. Tim Finigan replies: One parishioner in a London parish that I served in some years ago told me that on his regular commute, he had managed to read the entire Summa Theologica of St Thomas by taking a volume at a time from the library and reading a little each day. Nevertheless, tube journeys also offer opportunities for many venial sins, especially that of rash judgement. To avoid hypocrisy here, I offer an unambiguous mea culpa (the noisy headphones are a particular trigger!) While I cannot offer unimpeachable example, I hope some suggestions will be helpful.

St Josemaria Escriva, in a much quoted point from The Way (174) wrote: “Don’t say: ‘That person gets on my nerves.’ Think: ‘That person sanctifies me.’” Offering up minor inconveniences as a penance is a practice that really does help to bring something positive to mundane experiences. Another strategy is to reflect that every person has a life of good and bad influences, sins that need to be forgiven, good deeds that are valued by God, relationships that affect others. Despite the great blessing of being handed on the Catholic faith, we have not responded to that gift with anything like the generosity that we should. Our act of contrition for making rash judgements can be extended to include our underlying hypocrisy in making them.

And, of course, travelling time can be used to good purpose. CTS pamphlets are very handy and perhaps we should revive the old practice of leaving them behind on the train as an alternative to the free papers. God’s providence might make it the occasion of someone’s conversion. If you are fortunate enough to have an iTelephone (as my MC insists on calling it) you can use it to read the Summa Theologica which is included in the iPieta app. Absent such wizardry, why not say a Hail Mary for each person in the carriage in between stations?

Reproduced with permission from Fr. Tim Finigan’s Column ‘Catholic Dilemmas’ Catholic Herald March 19th 2010.

226. ENDURING TO THE END.

Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her so that she would be “without stain”. And the Church would be without stain if we were not a part of it! The Church would have one less wrinkle if I committed one less sin. Martin Luther criticised Erasmus of Rotterdam for remaining in the Catholic Church despite its corruption, but Erasmus answered him: ‘I put up with this Church, in the hope that one day it will become better, just as it is constrained to put up with me in the hope that one day I will become better’. 

We should ask Christ to forgive all of our inconsiderate judgements and the many offences we heap upon his Bride, and as a result upon Him as well. Try to tell a man who is truly in love that his bride is ugly or a ‘good-for-nothing’, and see if you can take his ire….

Once you have.…. wept with the Church, once you have humbled yourself at its feet, God can command you as he has done in the past to raise your voice against ‘the wounds of the Church’. But not before. The Saints have applied to the Church that which Job said about God,  according to the Vulgate version of the Bible then in use: “Even if God were to kill me I would still have recourse to him”

(Job  13:15).